Author: marettej

  So it’s that time of year. Actually its the fifth season in Minnesota; its the mud season. We don’t even bother to clean the floors.  Why? One dog walking in… forget one dog, us walking in and that 3 x 5′ mat is useless. I forget mud season in the middle of June. I don’t remember it well in August. It’s just a faint memory in December but when March comes rolling around and the snow begins to melt, I remember. It’s that time of year. So it’s also that time of year in other things in life. March 1992: that time of year. They call it a silent sorority. It used to be more hushed but with our ways of counseling and dealing with issues, it’s becoming more and more of a topic people understand how to share and share as an encouragement not necessarily as a burden.

March 1992 we had a baby. March 1992 we held him while he died. It’s that time of year. It’s not like it was in 1993, and it is almost like a moment you kind of remember but so much time has passed and then again, I can go back in a heartbeat.

What did I learn in 1992? What did I learn about God, about myself, about life, about people, about the church, about coping skills of our world in general?  I learned that God was in that room with me and spoke to me in the elevator. No one else heard him, but I couldn’t miss the voice. I learned that how I process things is with music (no shock there) and sometimes just for myself was all I needed to sit and play. I learned that people don’t know what to say. They mean well but they say the dumbest things at the most inopportune times. One lady patted my belly (while still very pregnant) and said, “oh you can always have another baby”.  We knew he wouldn’t live if he was born alive, but when you are 8 months pregnant, being pregnant again isn’t the most comforting thought in your mind. I learned people didn’t know what to do so they avoided me. I didn’t have a plague, I was only pregnant with a crisis pregnancy. It was not contagious. There were a few that didn’t know what to do so they just hugged me. And it didn’t hurt them.  We both felt better. Sometimes when you don’t know what to say, don’t talk! Just love.

I learned the church isn’t prepared for what to do when people hurt. One leader was beyond loving. The rest just kind of pretended nothing happened and I went from 80 mph to standing still without a stop sign and that was normal. They moved on with life as if nothing happened.

I also learned that the people you find that walk the valleys you have walked, breath the same air. I since have had the honor of saying to a young mother who has buried her child, “I have been down the same road. Maybe not as far as you, and maybe not that fast, but I know the road.”   God is faithful; I have more faith now in the God that created a little baby just for my chance to hear God speak. I hold tighter to the hope of heaven. I hug someone who is walking on the ramp heading for that road knowing that God will give them the strength for the next step and when they reach their exit off that road, their faith in God will have multiplied so much they can’t explain it either.

And I will party. We still, 26 years later, have a birthday cake and a party. I still look at the picture of two very young people holding a tiny beautiful baby so delicate and yet so perfect except… The exceptions in life is what God uses to form our spiritual vases that the flowers he gives us will hold. I have been given some beautiful flowers.. The vase that was formed when we walked that valley, I wouldn’t trade for anything. It makes the other flowers in life more beautiful.

Yes, it’s that time of year… and I can smile and laugh and almost enjoy the calories of the cake because God let me have a piece of heaven….on earth for time.

They could do this for hours. The two big ones of course, but then again the small one would be in the middle of it. She usually is the one who starts it. Tug of War. Pulling on things. Trying to go forward and backwards at the same time. Playing? Maybe or maybe not. Seems in my life that’s all I do some days. I am pulling one way, walking another, tugging a third way and the forces I am pulling against are pulling me still another way. And, like the small dog, some people around me just initiate it and then back off and watch the fight. And like the middle dog, sometimes lying down just feels better. You can’t pull much when you are lying down, but there is something about taking a breather that gives you some kind of energy to move ahead. God doesn’t want me playing tug of war all the time. He would rather have me look around and find something worth tugging for. Most of the things I fight for aren’t worth the fight. Fighting, talking, debating does increase our knowledge of what we believe but often the way we do it hurts the other people so we really didn’t accomplish much except go in a circle and get a sore neck. What happened to love? What happened to just playing tug  and not put the war part in? What part of tug is the good part and leaving the war out would make us still love each other as we are walking down here in life. Just like the dogs play tug because they love to play, sometimes we need to debate and discuss.  But there are times it becomes war and that’s when we need to step back and write in the sand like Jesus did. Ask for water at the well of a women not accepted and love and listen to her.  Look for ways today you can play tug and omit the war. And smile during the tug. Love during the tug. Giggle during the tug and then go out to lunch. Challenge someone in their faith walk and love them with open hearts and empty hands. Expect nothing but God to show up in the middle and bless both of you.  And then give two dogs a toy and watch a real tug of war….

One hopes for spring. One dreams for brighter days of sunshine and flowers blooming. We were a bit spoiled going south for a few days. In Georgia, it was a beautiful day. The clouds only teared up at the end of the cemetery time and that was totally appropriate. Then in Charlotte, we were watching them plant flowers and I even got down and smelled a daffodil or two.

Then reality- Minnesota. This morning it was one of those, not again mornings. Rain, sleet, hail, wind, cold, cloudy and all around “yucky” day. We need them to bring spring about, but this has been a long winter and well, to be honest, I don’t want another “No,not again” day.

In our faith walk we have days that we giggle all day. Days were people open the door, people hug us, the minister actually preaches a sermon that makes us feel like we are more than conquerors, the band is good and the music we know. We buy  a stranger lunch, we take the dog for a walk and watch our favorite movie. We go to bed at night thinking life can’t get any better.

And then we wake up to “no, not again”. The winds are blowing, people are hurting our heart, the leaders who are supposed to build us up, tear us down, we can’t find our hope, our joy ran out the door and then we get one of those phone calls… or rather in our culture it’s an e-mail.

No, not again days make you want to quit. It’s the days that Southwest airlines reminds us that we all want to “get away” and they have the perfect place and a good price.

Jesus reminds us that there will be days like these. Of course people have written songs about those days. Psalms 30:5  “For his anger endureth for a night, but joy cometh in the morning. ”  Remember, there is always a morning after midnight. When it’s so dark you can’t see, so thick you can’t breath and so cold you shiver, God is still there and is waiting to bring the sunrise and make you marvel. Sometimes we don’t see it for awhile but the morning does come and it’s not windy, cloudy, cold and chilly.  Sometimes God allows the morning to be another one of those “no, not again” days but then he brings in someone to remind you of the hope which lies within. Or God will bring to mind a verse that gives you the energy for one more step. There are times when “no, not again” is just a bad day. There are times when “no, not again” is enough to send you over the cliff. “No, not again” days are when we need to grab hold of God and don’t let go regardless of how tired our fingers are.

It’s just another day; a day of plans and of things that need to be done. A day of preparing for tomorrow, a day of recovering from the weekend. A day that reminds me of those to pray for on the fridge dry erase prayer list, and the children we sponsor in other parts of the world. It’s a day to reflect, a day to anticipate and a day to look out the window and wonder how bad this storm will be and will the weathermen have it right or are they 50 miles off and we get either nothing or really dumped on?

Either way, I can choose to take a “no, not again” day and make it a day to enjoy and grow in God not gripe and be grumpy.

I just finished reading a devotional that changed my mindset on hardship..primarily conflict. I don’t like conflict. I am married to someone who doesn’t like confrontation. That’s actually a pretty good combination except when you have it: conflict. Someone has to talk or respond to conflict and hardship. Usually it’s negative. Our fur gets rattled, the hair on the back of our neck stands ups, we talk in higher voices and we get edgy; extremely edgy and irritated and NOT nice.

The devotion challenged me to think of hardship or conflict as opportunity. Opportunity to live by faith. When someone totally disagrees with me, that’s my chance to love like Jesus would have loved. To listen and love not listen and prepare my response. Opportunity to live and possibly die professing the faith I claim to have. Cancer, accidents, life changing and life limiting gives me the open door to live like I am dying, which ironically I am. These times give me a chance to let people see what my faith is worth. When bad things happen, find some good in them. Esther, made for a time such as this, Joseph, you mean it for evil, God meant it for good.

This past two years have been hardship. Things that I would have never imagined, coming into my back door and leaping on my back. Not just leaping in my back, but gripping with claws and tearing the skin, conflict from people I would have never dreamed conflict with, in ways that back my mouth gape with shock. I stand there with my mouth hanging open, surprised and appalled and how do I respond? God wanted me to respond with an opportunity to be Jesus in the moment. I don’t want to be Jesus. I want to be right. I want to feel that justice is served. I want poor leadership to be fired. I want the incompetent to be replaced with those who have the ability. I want the words to be taken back and an apology given. I want a hug not another slashing of the spiritual tire on my heart. I want a friend not an enemy… How do I see opportunity?

I see it by knowing that I have been forgiven much and loved much by a God who simply spoke and things were created. I look outside my window and see the sun rising and no one had to tell it to. I hear the phone ring, yes I was asleep, and I am talking to someone thousands of miles away because Jesus loved us both and we have this cool common bond where in normal life we would have nothing in common. Opportunity …. Hardship… equals… a touch mouthful on a Thursday morning…

Philippians 4:13 “I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me.” So I don’t have to “do” the opportunity, God will do it through Christ through me. Makes it seem to be something it maybe can handle….

Overwhelmed and disappointment: two words that are powerful. Overwhelmed means you are covered over, or perhaps you are lying under. That can mean physically, emotionally or spiritually. Something has you covered in some way. Disappointment, well that’s breaking the word down and having the joy and excitement of an appointment, something to look forward to, something to get excited about, and going the opposite way- being dissed so to speak. Losing joy, not being excited, not having something to look forward to and having the forces of negativity directing your heart. So why are we disappointed? For me, so often it is people. People going back on their word, breaking a promise, being disrespectful, not working together, not seeing the big picture, not being truthful about life in general. I don’t get disappointed when things don’t work out when it’s been tried and not accomplished. That is called trial and error and doesn’t affect me a bit except to challenge me to find a way to make it work. It’s when people choose to not fulfill their part of the bargain that disappoints me. Failure is ok…failure to try is not.

Overwhelmed, that is a big word. It’s like being in a thunderstorm and there is no where to run. You are totally surrounded. You are 100% covered. No dry spot on you, no dry spot under your shoes and the umbrella you had just burst a big rip and you have water dripping off your glasses onto your nose, that to me, is overwhelmed. I don’t like wet clothes. I don’t like standing in wet shoes. I do love rain but not in winter and not when I have no protection. As a kid we used to get caught in the bern during a rain storm and it was one of the most wonderful feelings ever. Sitting by the door watching it rain was a special feeling. I could run to the house, I could step back into the huge barn with the hay and snuggle down for a nap but just sitting watching the storm roll in,,, I can still see it in my mind,

When I get overwhelmed, and it’s more often than I would like to admit, I put myself emotionally in that barn. God has become my barn. He has me covered, overwhelmed, but in a safe, special place. I can’t see how the disappointment has hurt me because I am in the barn. I can’t hear the people talking, all I hear is the rain on the roof and the thunder rolling. The barn roof has blocked out the people’s voices, words and the walls keep them from stabbing my heart.

God won’t disappoint me; he will allow others to disappoint because he wants me to look at him and not at them. He meets me in his word not in their back yard. It’s hard to do especially when people don’t live by the same standards : even in the Christian world, there are so many times we don’t act like Jesus. We act like us, with Jesus as a light jacket. Light jackets don’t cover and they don’t keep warm. Eventually others will see you from under the light Jesus jacket and the real person flops through hurting others and causing disappointment and feelings of overwhelming for those we encounter. To be covered we need to be totally overwhelmed by God so none of us sticks out anywhere.

So go find a barn. Maybe that’s why I love barn photos. It’s a comfort for me. We don’t have a barn at the farm…that is my one regret. I love barns. But I do have a God, a big barn where disappointment and overwhelming feelings can be handled and I feel safe and protected.