Author: marettej

A friend reminded awhile back while stressing over a social need that I didn’t need to try to be anyone else but myself. Ridiculous- I am over 60 and still having to be reminded that it’s ok to be who I am. It’s our natural heart desire to be liked. We want to be lived and accepted, and then loved and embraced. For the most part, we gravitate to people who let us be ourselves and we move toward friendships in a natural way. Then there are those exceptions. I can count a few that still bother me. Why? Because I think that them liking me will make a difference in me. I found this saying several years ago and it popped up on my Facebook today. It’s a wonderful reminder.

In the past three years I have had to come to grips with those who held the cup of tea where the handle is turned away from me. When you serve tea, you purposefully turn the handle so the person taking the tea is set to lift her cup. When people spurn our hearts, they keep the handle toward themselves. It’s a huge hint but we don’t always take the hint. We try to turn the handle so we can grab the tea cup. If they wanted to be our friend, the handle would be facing us ready for us to grasp. It’s a hard thing when someone doesn’t like you. It’s even harder when they are a Christian brother or sister. I need to be reminded that even in the Bible we have Christian examples who didn’t always see eye to eye. It’s better to switch tables and pick up a tea cup with the handle toward you than make a scene trying to get someone to give you the respect of your cup.  I don’t understand but I accept. I pray for those who don’t want my friendship but I can’t let it become a boulder blocking my beautiful garden walkway. And as much as it is within me, let me live at peace. And sometimes that means walking away and know that I am loved by my people. And my people love me very much. Now more than ever,  I just wish I could hug them!!!!

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It came out with my Bible this morning. It, being my planner. It’s a beautiful planner. Not the kind some get but beautiful just the same. I remember school before we had planners. We just write in a three subject notebook if one was so lucky to have a three subject. Somehow our mother only bought us the one subject themes narrow college ruled notebook. College found me learning about planners. And then life happened. Children bring planners into a whole new realm. School, lessons, sports, church, and work brought planners to a need level. One needed to have an order or structure to life and the planner was a perfect fit. Eventually I replaced my big planner with a prayer book, calendar and time organizer for the fridge.

What good does a planner do if one can’t plan. I looked at my planner and I was already not doing what I planned. Life changes, changes planning. Life changes plans. Instead of being in Kansas today doing a concert, instead of my sons fiancée having a wedding shower, instead of baseball on the radio, the plans have been changed. How do you react when plans change? For some of us, we get out our planners and scribble all over the page, cancelled. For others, we get different ink out and reword and change the plan so we have something on the page to reflect the truth of the moment, and others, rather ignore the planner all together and just roll with the changes. What each one of us must succumb to is our planners plan, no longer is our plan. We love the verse Jeremiah 29:11 about God knowing the plans for us to prosper. We quote it, hang it on the wall and memorize it. What we forget is the verse before it reminds us that there are 70 years to be completed. We want to be in the prospering part of our planner sometimes before the 70 years of Babylon are up. The one thing I can guarantee about our lock down, quarantine and virus of 2020 is this too will change. It might however be a longer time in Babylon before we prosper. What matters is how we handle our planner during the time in Babylon. Dramatically throwing the planner, scribbling it, venting on Facebook or screaming at God that it’s not fair that we can’t do what we want to do is losing our Babylon character building time. The Babylon’s in our life are not what we want, but they will show others who God is and will allow God to mold us, teach us and remind us that our worth isn’t in our Babylon, but in our deliverer. I made new notes in my planner this morning. And each day that brings change will remind me that God will teach. He will teach me if I allow myself to abide in his presence during times like this. Then, what’s written on my planner page for today won’t matter as much.

Quarantine, self-bonding, personal space, stay at home, safe distance, self Imposed loners: the words all mean the same thing. Community is broken. Gathering places empty. Hugs aborted. Hand shaking taboo. We are kind of giggling about it but it’s all too real to laugh. Two more weeks of stay at home. Of course that doesn’t mean stay inside with the shades drawn and the lights out. Actually it kind of means the opposite. While we must curb our activity with anyone who doesn’t live in our house, and within common sense we live life. Take walks. Grill out. Play ball in the yard. Draw pictures and mail them to aunt Gertie. Watch movies. And yet, we in our normal life weeks tell each other we are so busy. Now, we have all the time in the world.

Today, I raked leaves. Yesterday we split wood. Tomorrow we will work in the shop. For us, it’s usual life but we also have been playing a lot of cards, sitting by the campfire and calling and checking on people. Tomorrow I will make lunch for grandpa and take supper to friends. We will pass the food through the door and I will make a cd for them to listen to. I listen to five times more podcasts than usual. And for the first time in many years, I desperately miss church. When things are at our convenience we seldom treasure their impact. When their presence no longer is available, suddenly the hole is bigger than we can see across. And yet, this too will pass. And we will resume our hurried lives, get way too busy and forget how to read by the fire, shoot baskets in the driveway and call our neighbors. The fun drive by waving will become speeding in a hurry to get somewhere. Our hearts will once again be distracted. Or maybe not. Maybe we will let God keep his place in the drivers seat and handle the steering wheel…

It wasn’t something we used to do. Of course we didn’t have the technology either. But now, we can and we do. We take selfies. They are unflattering, awkward and rather egocentric simply by their name but they capture a moment. And as in everything, when one captures a memory sometimes that memory hurts the heart.

Two weeks ago today I was heading home from the Bluegrass convention. I didn’t have time to stop but something inside said to pull off at Zumbrota and drive to that all familiar address. For twenty minutes I held the hand of a dear friend. We went down memory lane, , she asked about the things I told her in my last note to her, we laughed, said “I love you” and then prayed. What if that was it? What if all our meetings ended that way? Today I sat by the fire and cried. I love my cabin. It’s a great place to quarantine myself. Today was another one of those moments that hurt the heart. Friday I had been thinking of Lil. I wrote my love in a card and mailed it. She won’t ever get it. Friday Lil went to meet Jesus. The last thing I did for her was all I could do. All I could do was share my heart, say I love you and pray.

I had to search on my phone for the photo I knew was there. A selfie of Don and Lil and myself. Now both of them are with Jesus . And all I am left with is a selfie that hurts the heart. And I wouldn’t trade it for anything!